How to Tell Your Partner You Want to Open Up (Without Ending Up Crying in the Shower)

There comes a moment in every monogamous situationship (or “we’re not labeling it but still low-key jealous” dynamic) where someone googles, how to bring up an open relationship without sounding like a sex-crazed narcissist.

If that person is you—hi, welcome. This is your guide. Equal parts cheeky and heartfelt, and laced with just enough Karley Sciortino-inspired irreverence to make you feel brave.

Because wanting to open up doesn’t make you greedy or broken or heartless—it makes you curious. Human. Possibly a slut. All of which are great things.

How to Tell Your Partner You Want to Open Up (Without Ending Up Crying in the Shower)

First: Check in With Yourself (and Not Just Your Genitals)

Before you drop the O-word at Sunday brunch, take a beat. Why do you want to open up? Is it to explore your sexuality? Experience kink you’re not getting at home? Just... get railed by a hot stranger while still loving your main boo?

All valid. But it helps to know the why before you communicate the what.

And if your “why” is “because I feel disconnected and maybe if I had sex with others I’d feel alive again”? Babe. That’s not a poly problem. That’s a relationship talk.

Timing is Everything (Read: Not Mid-Fight)

The worst time to propose opening up is mid-argument, after sex, or while they’re making you a sandwich. Respect the sandwich. Choose a time when you're both emotionally regulated, fed, and not three drinks deep.

“I told my partner I wanted to explore non-monogamy while we were high at Berghain,” says one Berlin-based artist. “She cried into her vape. I do not recommend.”

Start With Curiosity, Not Demands

Try this: “I’ve been thinking a lot about what intimacy means to me. Can we talk about what that looks like for us?”

Or: “I love what we have, and I also want to explore some things sexually. I’m curious how you’d feel about discussing an open model?”

Notice the difference between that and: “Hey, I want to fuck other people. You cool?”

Expect Big Feelings (Yours and Theirs)

Opening up your relationship is not a hack for “having your cake and eating it too.” It’s emotional work. It means unpacking jealousy, insecurity, and deep attachment stuff.

They might feel scared, hurt, or even betrayed—especially if non-monogamy was never on their radar. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong to want it. But it does mean you need to hold space for the messiness.

“My partner thought I wanted to open up because I didn’t love them anymore,” says a queer educator. “It took weeks of slow, compassionate conversation to help them feel secure again.”

Use Real-Life Examples (Not Just Unicorn Hunting Memes)

If your partner has never seen a healthy non-monogamous relationship, their mind might go straight to chaos, threesomes, and emotional implosions. So show them the full spectrum.

Read books together—like The Ethical Slut or Polysecure. Follow non-monogamous creators. Talk about friends or public figures who do it well. Ground the idea in reality, not porn plots.

Jealousy Isn’t a Sign to Stop. It’s a Sign to Slow Down.

Jealousy is normal. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed at being open. It means you're human, with attachment wounds, cultural baggage, and a brain that thinks love = possession.

Don’t try to bypass jealousy. Get curious about it. Where is it coming from? What would help you feel secure? What agreements could you create to honor both your freedom and your partner’s need for safety?

Structure Is Sexy (Seriously)

Opening up is not a free-for-all. It’s not “do whatever and hope nobody cries.”

Talk boundaries. What’s okay? What’s a hard no? How often will you check in? Is there a don’t-ask-don’t-tell clause or a share-every-juicy-detail one? Who’s sleeping where? What about STI testing?

Structure doesn’t kill the vibe—it makes it sustainable.

Consent Isn’t Just for Sex

Your partner has the right to say no. And if they do? That doesn’t make them boring or vanilla or unevolved. It just means they’re not there—yet, or ever.

You can ask for what you want. You can’t demand it.

If it’s a non-negotiable for you and a dealbreaker for them, then yes, you might need to part ways. But better that than living a half-truth with someone you love.

You're Not Alone (Even If It Feels Like You Are)

Opening up is becoming more normalized—but it can still feel isolating, especially if your social circle is all monogamous (or judgmental).

Find community. Online groups. Poly meetups. Podcasts. Books. Other queers who’ve navigated the same terrain. Community makes it less scary, and way more fun.

The TL;DR: Brave Conversations Birth Brave Relationships

Telling your partner you want to open up is a big, vulnerable move. It’s not selfish. It’s not evil. It’s not a death sentence to your love life. If anything, it might be the beginning of a way more honest, hot, and connected relationship.

But it takes guts. Compassion. Communication. And a whole lot of Google Calendar syncing.

So breathe. Speak your truth. And remember: love isn’t about locking someone down. It’s about expanding—together.